little kids are probably smarter than me
topic: Anthology of Poetry by Young Americans
this is the first suggested review i'm doing. although it wasn't the first suggestion, i read the poems and immediately had comments on the art of these little squirts. the youth of america deserves an out for their troubles regarding politics, life goals, and dinner time. in turn, i deserve an out for my inability to write poetry better than a ten year old. so guess what kids... you best sit down and grab some q-tips, because you're about to get an ear full.
poems:
IF I...
If I were a flower
I would be red
And soft as a bed.
My name wouldn't be
Fred or Ted.
My face would be bright
I would never fight or
turn out a light
If I were a flower.
Nicole Forlani, age 10
well nicole, i have to admit, i was a little thrown off by the title; i thought this was going to be a poem about what would be the consequence of different if's. unfortunately, it was only about you being a flower. just like a flower, your poem is both pretty and pretty boring. also, line 8 struck me as odd... i mean, i know flowers can't do that and all, but i'm not sure of the significance (unless you are saying that as a flower you would not conserve electricity). sorry nicole, thumbs down... unless of course you are related to claire forlani, in which case i'll be needing her phone number for my friend big pete.
Relay Races are the Best
Having fun from East to West
Being silly with my team
Trying hard to get ice cream
I hope I don't fall on my face
And put my team in last place.
Kylene Simpson, age 10
it sounds as though kylene has a problem using a compass, because most relay races i know of usually change direction or follow a track in the shape of a circle or an oval. although she may have been relay racing around the globe from east to west; i don't know that she wasn't. she also may have meant that there was a physical or geographical boundary in which the fun took place, and that the fun spanned the entire location. direction aside, i completely understand her plight, and i also share her vision of ice cream. this basically sounds like the story of my spring break this year. you seem to know what is important in life, and i commend you for that, kylene.
EARTH
Earth is where we live,
Earth is where we eat our food,
Earth is where we breathe out air (oxygen),
Earth is the only place with an atmosphere,
So, if we keep destroying it we won't last
five minutes without air,
Yah, we have NASA's and other space stations
BUT,
how long will the air supply last?
NOT FOREVER, that's for sure!
SO TAKE CARE OF IT OR WE WILL DIE!
Bryan Armentrout, age 11
thank you, bill nye the science guy. unfortunately, you seem to have missed the episode where he explains that earth is not the only planet with an atmosphere (it is just the only planet we know of with an atmosphere capable of supporting human life). also, we only have one nasa, and it's not a space station (it is the national aeronautics and space administration). of course, you probably didn't realize that we don't breathe out oxygen either, we breathe it in (oxygen - in; carbon dioxide - out). i was thinking about making a joke about the music of air supply (maybe a family guy quote), but i realized that i no longer wanted to. look bryan, i respect your main point and love your final line, but i just have a few words of advice for you: stay in school.
I LOVE SCHOOL
School is a good place to be.
Of course, of course, or course you see.
It is better than a bunny,
Oh yes, oh yes, I love it of course you can see.
School is important to me!
Amanda Darlington, age 7
this poem picks up where bryan left off. however, the extreme opposite side of any spectrum is usually creepy. i'm not sure why amanda loves school so much. her lack of specifics leads me to believe that this poem is basically just an attempt to suck-up to the teacher. in fact the only slightly descriptive sentence in the piece is about a bunny, and what the hell does that mean anyway. school is better than a bunny? bunnies everywhere are insulted. amanda, i'm glad you have such love inside of you, but i think you might be just a bit misdirected.
YUCK
I sat down to supper. My mom called me up.
'Hurry up Taylor,' it's time to sup'.
I went to the kitchen. I sat down to eat.
But, my mom cooked me something that wasn't a treat.
Lima beans! Lima beans! Do I hate them? Yes!
So, I spit them out and I made a mess.
J. Taylor Wolfe, age 7
nice use of colloquial sup', and the piece is very witty. unfortunately the first line doesn't make sense; he sat down to supper before anything else actually happened. unless he sat down to supper initially in the wrong place, he wouldn't have done it twice. other than that, i had no problems with the work, and i too, hate lima beans. j. taylor wolfe has the makings of a young shel silverstein... keep up the good work (but next time, proofread).
Meatloaf
Wrote a song
At their house
On a rainy day
For his girlfriend.
Tabathe Osbeck, age 12
wow. i don't know if this is poetry or trivia; i'd have to know more about meatloaf to really determine that. i'm not sure what you are getting at, tabathe, but maybe that's why i'm not getting paid to do these reviews. either way, their... his... i'm not sure which grade you learn the rules for pronouns, but it's not soon enough. however, you apparently did learn prepositions already (judging by the last three lines). you may want to learn to use more than one sentence. my advice: save the money you're spending on meatloaf albums and go buy a grammaticon.
SOMEDAY
Someday I hope to be a star,
Hopefully someday soon.
Someday I'll make a lot of money,
And be a rich tycoon.
Someday is not too far away,
And when it comes, I bid,
That I will be very successful,
But for now I'll be a kid.
Sara Marks, age 12
i'll assume that you mean a movie star, tv star, etc and not the celestial body. however, in either case it would seem as though you have either multiple goals of being a star and tycoon (which by definition is a wealthy businessperson or industrialist) or you just want money and don't care how you get it. karl (with the trendier spelling of your last name) would be disappointed in your capitalism. i do like the last three lines; the bid and kid rhyme is pleasant and understated. the repetition is also tastefully done. your childhood goals are typical and petty, but structurally your writing is excellent. someday try making it a bit more personal and creative... that's more my style.
I was lying in bed one night, when a
little man came out of site.
'Which way did he go, which way did he go!' he said.
'That way!' I said, pointing west from my bed.
Then he came across a whale, and said,
'Which way did he go, which way did he go!'
'That way!' said the whale, pointing north
with his tail.
Then he came across a lion
but he just said,
'Don't bother me, I'm crying.'
Then he came across a spotted leopard,
he didn't know so he asked the shepherd.
The shepherd said, 'He went to
the palace of Death Soul Rivers,
he plans to hide out in the cave of Dead Livers.'
So he went to the palace of Death Soul Rivers,
and cautiously entered the cave of Dead Livers.
Then he opened the door and what did he see,
a chest full of jewels, and a golden key!
He took the key and opened the door,
and out came a monster shouting,
'Who dares enter this door!',
and snatched him and ate him.
MUNCH MUNCH, ROAR!
Cristine Clossin, age 8
now this piece i can relate to; it also leaves much to the imagination. brilliant use of confusion regarding who the little man was actually following (unless of course you were confused when writing it). i found only two problems grammatically: the little man would've come into sight not come out of sight, and who dares enter this door is actually a question (although because he's shouting it, that one is debatable). all in all, it is a great story; i was entertained and touched. well played cristine... well played.
NEWS FLASH
Constant battles, raging wars
even on the ocean floors.
Guns and bombs, missles too
Country to country, me to you,
To solve wars, or to make peace?
When will these troubled times cease?
Another person died today,
Another person died today,
Another person ran away.
Who cares anymore? You die if you choose,
This stuff is just old news.
Million dollar contracts,
Promises to save the past.
These are the facts
With golden plaques.
This is news,
You can't choose.
Everything else is ocean blues.
Sally Wheeler, age 12
this poem is very political for a twelve year old; that i respect. unfortunately, sally, i'm not a fan. you need to learn some new rhymes besides news and choose. personally, i also wouldn't have used ocean again at the end of the poem, despite the near symetry. i did like the line country to country, me to you and the repetition of another person died today which were both smart and effective. essentially, you've got great concepts, but you need to find a thesaurus.
WHERE I WANT TO LIVE!
The Yukon is the place for us!
That's where I want to live.
Up there we get to yell and cuss,
And act all primitive.
We'll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monstrous crabby teachers who'll
Make us learn addition.
Bradlee Allen Kepley, age 12
i love the submission and addition rhyme; it cracks me up 60% of the time, everytime. bradlee, this is a great dream, and i hope you one day accomplish your goal. just know that it isn't all fun and games up in the yukon. it's cold, and people die, ok. maybe you are too young to understand this, but i got cancer there. yea, that's right... right there on the yukon trail. get a grip, man.
this is the first suggested review i'm doing. although it wasn't the first suggestion, i read the poems and immediately had comments on the art of these little squirts. the youth of america deserves an out for their troubles regarding politics, life goals, and dinner time. in turn, i deserve an out for my inability to write poetry better than a ten year old. so guess what kids... you best sit down and grab some q-tips, because you're about to get an ear full.
poems:
IF I...
If I were a flower
I would be red
And soft as a bed.
My name wouldn't be
Fred or Ted.
My face would be bright
I would never fight or
turn out a light
If I were a flower.
Nicole Forlani, age 10
well nicole, i have to admit, i was a little thrown off by the title; i thought this was going to be a poem about what would be the consequence of different if's. unfortunately, it was only about you being a flower. just like a flower, your poem is both pretty and pretty boring. also, line 8 struck me as odd... i mean, i know flowers can't do that and all, but i'm not sure of the significance (unless you are saying that as a flower you would not conserve electricity). sorry nicole, thumbs down... unless of course you are related to claire forlani, in which case i'll be needing her phone number for my friend big pete.
Relay Races are the Best
Having fun from East to West
Being silly with my team
Trying hard to get ice cream
I hope I don't fall on my face
And put my team in last place.
Kylene Simpson, age 10
it sounds as though kylene has a problem using a compass, because most relay races i know of usually change direction or follow a track in the shape of a circle or an oval. although she may have been relay racing around the globe from east to west; i don't know that she wasn't. she also may have meant that there was a physical or geographical boundary in which the fun took place, and that the fun spanned the entire location. direction aside, i completely understand her plight, and i also share her vision of ice cream. this basically sounds like the story of my spring break this year. you seem to know what is important in life, and i commend you for that, kylene.
EARTH
Earth is where we live,
Earth is where we eat our food,
Earth is where we breathe out air (oxygen),
Earth is the only place with an atmosphere,
So, if we keep destroying it we won't last
five minutes without air,
Yah, we have NASA's and other space stations
BUT,
how long will the air supply last?
NOT FOREVER, that's for sure!
SO TAKE CARE OF IT OR WE WILL DIE!
Bryan Armentrout, age 11
thank you, bill nye the science guy. unfortunately, you seem to have missed the episode where he explains that earth is not the only planet with an atmosphere (it is just the only planet we know of with an atmosphere capable of supporting human life). also, we only have one nasa, and it's not a space station (it is the national aeronautics and space administration). of course, you probably didn't realize that we don't breathe out oxygen either, we breathe it in (oxygen - in; carbon dioxide - out). i was thinking about making a joke about the music of air supply (maybe a family guy quote), but i realized that i no longer wanted to. look bryan, i respect your main point and love your final line, but i just have a few words of advice for you: stay in school.
I LOVE SCHOOL
School is a good place to be.
Of course, of course, or course you see.
It is better than a bunny,
Oh yes, oh yes, I love it of course you can see.
School is important to me!
Amanda Darlington, age 7
this poem picks up where bryan left off. however, the extreme opposite side of any spectrum is usually creepy. i'm not sure why amanda loves school so much. her lack of specifics leads me to believe that this poem is basically just an attempt to suck-up to the teacher. in fact the only slightly descriptive sentence in the piece is about a bunny, and what the hell does that mean anyway. school is better than a bunny? bunnies everywhere are insulted. amanda, i'm glad you have such love inside of you, but i think you might be just a bit misdirected.
YUCK
I sat down to supper. My mom called me up.
'Hurry up Taylor,' it's time to sup'.
I went to the kitchen. I sat down to eat.
But, my mom cooked me something that wasn't a treat.
Lima beans! Lima beans! Do I hate them? Yes!
So, I spit them out and I made a mess.
J. Taylor Wolfe, age 7
nice use of colloquial sup', and the piece is very witty. unfortunately the first line doesn't make sense; he sat down to supper before anything else actually happened. unless he sat down to supper initially in the wrong place, he wouldn't have done it twice. other than that, i had no problems with the work, and i too, hate lima beans. j. taylor wolfe has the makings of a young shel silverstein... keep up the good work (but next time, proofread).
Meatloaf
Wrote a song
At their house
On a rainy day
For his girlfriend.
Tabathe Osbeck, age 12
wow. i don't know if this is poetry or trivia; i'd have to know more about meatloaf to really determine that. i'm not sure what you are getting at, tabathe, but maybe that's why i'm not getting paid to do these reviews. either way, their... his... i'm not sure which grade you learn the rules for pronouns, but it's not soon enough. however, you apparently did learn prepositions already (judging by the last three lines). you may want to learn to use more than one sentence. my advice: save the money you're spending on meatloaf albums and go buy a grammaticon.
SOMEDAY
Someday I hope to be a star,
Hopefully someday soon.
Someday I'll make a lot of money,
And be a rich tycoon.
Someday is not too far away,
And when it comes, I bid,
That I will be very successful,
But for now I'll be a kid.
Sara Marks, age 12
i'll assume that you mean a movie star, tv star, etc and not the celestial body. however, in either case it would seem as though you have either multiple goals of being a star and tycoon (which by definition is a wealthy businessperson or industrialist) or you just want money and don't care how you get it. karl (with the trendier spelling of your last name) would be disappointed in your capitalism. i do like the last three lines; the bid and kid rhyme is pleasant and understated. the repetition is also tastefully done. your childhood goals are typical and petty, but structurally your writing is excellent. someday try making it a bit more personal and creative... that's more my style.
I was lying in bed one night, when a
little man came out of site.
'Which way did he go, which way did he go!' he said.
'That way!' I said, pointing west from my bed.
Then he came across a whale, and said,
'Which way did he go, which way did he go!'
'That way!' said the whale, pointing north
with his tail.
Then he came across a lion
but he just said,
'Don't bother me, I'm crying.'
Then he came across a spotted leopard,
he didn't know so he asked the shepherd.
The shepherd said, 'He went to
the palace of Death Soul Rivers,
he plans to hide out in the cave of Dead Livers.'
So he went to the palace of Death Soul Rivers,
and cautiously entered the cave of Dead Livers.
Then he opened the door and what did he see,
a chest full of jewels, and a golden key!
He took the key and opened the door,
and out came a monster shouting,
'Who dares enter this door!',
and snatched him and ate him.
MUNCH MUNCH, ROAR!
Cristine Clossin, age 8
now this piece i can relate to; it also leaves much to the imagination. brilliant use of confusion regarding who the little man was actually following (unless of course you were confused when writing it). i found only two problems grammatically: the little man would've come into sight not come out of sight, and who dares enter this door is actually a question (although because he's shouting it, that one is debatable). all in all, it is a great story; i was entertained and touched. well played cristine... well played.
NEWS FLASH
Constant battles, raging wars
even on the ocean floors.
Guns and bombs, missles too
Country to country, me to you,
To solve wars, or to make peace?
When will these troubled times cease?
Another person died today,
Another person died today,
Another person ran away.
Who cares anymore? You die if you choose,
This stuff is just old news.
Million dollar contracts,
Promises to save the past.
These are the facts
With golden plaques.
This is news,
You can't choose.
Everything else is ocean blues.
Sally Wheeler, age 12
this poem is very political for a twelve year old; that i respect. unfortunately, sally, i'm not a fan. you need to learn some new rhymes besides news and choose. personally, i also wouldn't have used ocean again at the end of the poem, despite the near symetry. i did like the line country to country, me to you and the repetition of another person died today which were both smart and effective. essentially, you've got great concepts, but you need to find a thesaurus.
WHERE I WANT TO LIVE!
The Yukon is the place for us!
That's where I want to live.
Up there we get to yell and cuss,
And act all primitive.
We'll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monstrous crabby teachers who'll
Make us learn addition.
Bradlee Allen Kepley, age 12
i love the submission and addition rhyme; it cracks me up 60% of the time, everytime. bradlee, this is a great dream, and i hope you one day accomplish your goal. just know that it isn't all fun and games up in the yukon. it's cold, and people die, ok. maybe you are too young to understand this, but i got cancer there. yea, that's right... right there on the yukon trail. get a grip, man.
4 Comments:
this doesn't even make any sense
Hilarious Jake. Hilarious.
- Stacy
in the words of a very great man somewhere:
fair enough.
-sara
Wow, this was really, really funny. I'm glad that I decided to look at your site here.
Melissa B
Post a Comment
<< Home